:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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