god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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