I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
