the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
