My sheets look like a crime scene.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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