and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
