Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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