I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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