why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
