As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
