it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
