her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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