Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
soo... how was my night?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
