So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
