Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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