I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
