So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
