My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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