bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
pray to the hookup gods
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
