omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
