If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
