a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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