i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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