So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
