Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
