It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
