had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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