My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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