My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
