i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
