I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
