he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
