So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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