I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
