Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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