He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
