The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
