Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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