i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
