I can tuck mytits in my pants
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
