Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
