I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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