I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
