brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
