he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
