I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
