Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
