i just wanna soil my oats bro
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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