i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
