Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
